| take only what you need from it |
[Dec. 24th, 2009|07:05 pm] |
Christmas Eve supper with the family was lovely. I love them. I love our stories. How we torture one another with embarrassment. How we keep secrets (badly) from one another. How we pretend certain things aren't happening when they are (so far, this doesn't sound good, but honestly, it is). I love how we laugh, uncontrollably. How we care, without reservation, about one another, despite our differences.
Now I am at my sister's house. She is off to her partner's parents' place for their Christmas Eve event. I am listening to music and dancing. All that I can think of is how Johnny says that we build our community on the dance floor. It makes me feel okay somehow, that it's okay that I am so different from my family, chosen and otherwise.
This has got to be my new Christmas Eve tradition.
Dance party:
( more dance party action behind the cut..warning, weird mix ) |
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| my girlfriend she's at the end she is starting to cry |
[Dec. 24th, 2009|10:03 am] |
Well, Christmas Eve is here and I am:
1. Working like crazy. End of the month. You know how it is.
2. Stressed about money... I just ran a bunch of numbers to figure out where I am at and it's depressing. I am going to be very busy and very poor in the next 4 months.
3. Happy to now be at my sister's house. I love my folks, but it's sometimes a little stressful there. I feel more relaxed at my sister's place.
At least I am trying to be festive while I work away at my sister's kitchen table:
everyone is out working and running errands so I'm listening to my favorite music and drinking lots of tea.
Oh! I spoke with Johnny on the phone for almost 2 hours last night. I am not a phone person, but I was in a desperate state of missing them. It totally hit the spot. I even cried a bit at one point because I was getting some major trauma out of my system, but that's a secret. Shhh. |
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| i just sit and wait, i'd rather concentrate, on Johnny Angel |
[Dec. 22nd, 2009|10:35 am] |
I am having a wonderful time with my family (Mom, Angie and I spent all day yesterday drinking wine and making HUNDREDS of Christmas cookies) and I really appreciate the time that I am getting to spend with them (especially my father) but I have to come out and say it:
I MISS JOHNNY FOREVER.
It's hard to go cold turkey when you see someone every day! It's also frustrating to have a million bizarre thoughts go through my head every day but have to hold them inside because my family has no interest in hearing about my politics, art, amorous adventures or just general insanity and anxiety... they are pretty practical folks who adhere to the rule of usefulness, a rule that I appreciate but can't always follow. These thoughts are usually the fodder for all day amusement with Johnny. I miss getting this bullshit out of my head. When it stays in there it tends to crowd the place.
So here's an ode to my Johnny:
"
Finale makeouts at the Tits the Season Cabaret. You can't see from that angle, but Johnny and I are making Santa make out with himself.
It makes more sense when see from the front:
I miss our meta-makeouts Johnny. And your gold lamé pants.
Photos by Bernardo Fernandez. |
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| Gold Lion's gonna tell me where the light is |
[Dec. 19th, 2009|11:00 am] |
Oh man, I was letting my pre-menstrual mood get seriously out of control yesterday. Even though Johnny and I began a hilarious back and forth on Montreal craigslist's missed connections and then later spent an hour gossiping on the telephone, I was still moping around the house pretty badly, generally descending into the mental bad lands. I am not so good at being silent or still or having "down time". Being in a suburban environment where the primary entertainment is television is basically a recipe for disaster. I suffer from a terrible addiction to television when it's around and that's why I will NEVER own a tv. On top of that it also really depresses me to watch it. So basically, I can't stop watching even though it just makes me sad. Combine that with the monthly low that I always hit (and can generally handle without worry under usual circumstances) and it ended with my mother coming home from work at 11pm to find a lump of grump on the couch.
BAD.
I woke up this morning feeling righteous anger with myself. I made myself tea and waited for my folks to leave for the afternoon races. I immediately put on some very loud music (thank goodness that i had the forethought to bring some of my cds), got dressed up fabulously and began dancing around the house like a maniac. Who needs therapy when there's music and pretty clothes? And then I wrote a letter to K*La. Now I am feeling much, much better.
And on that note, here's another thing that has recently made me happy:
( dancing is apparently better when there's a pole involved ) |
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| pop quiz |
[Dec. 18th, 2009|12:57 pm] |
This morning my father:
a) told me i have a foul mouth.
b) threatened to poison me in order to keep me here longer.
c) accidentally smacked me in the head when attempting to hug me.
d) all of the above.
(Fuck, I love that man. I am so completely and undoubtedly my father's daughter.) |
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| but the waiting feels fine |
[Dec. 17th, 2009|11:06 pm] |
As usual, life on the island is slower and full of silences. It is nice but sometimes it does feel like I am enduring my own healing and regeneration. Simultaneously, PEI is a surreal encounter with myself via my relatives. I laugh a lot. It's the most divine survival mechanism.
Oh and there's always lots of television involved. So much more than I can handle, but somehow I cannot stop watching. Living in a house with a tv always reminds me why I will never ever own one of my own. Instead I'll fill my life with other activities... like cabaret performances.
Speaking of which...
Here are some pictures of Mini Maul (aka Johnny Forever) as Nancy and Douche La Douche as Susan: the turkey stuffing housewives. Backstage at Cafe Cleopatre for the Tits the Season Burlesque show.
Drink up ladies
Checking out the goods.
Coiffing a little. So essential.
photos care of ML. |
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| folsom prison blues |
[Dec. 15th, 2009|12:11 pm] |
The last month and a half has passed so quickly. First it was a mad dash to finish a bunch of projects in time to leave for Vancouver. Then it was 12 whirlwind days out west (you all already know how that was). Then back to Montreal for 12 days which I thought were going to be quiet and restful but actually involved lots of work, preparing and performing in a 2 day Christmas burlesque cabaret, various chosen family holidays parties/meals, dealing with emotional trauma surrounding my friend who was in an accident and my uncle dying, 5 house guests (Nanochrist, a metal band from Toronto crashed with us for 2 days), a radio interview for the new show 'hochelaga goddamn' (care of jojo and c.t.) and fabulously overindulgent romance.
Now I'm on Prince Edward Island with my family for the next 13 days of holiday cheer.... well, cheer and Wilfred's funeral. *sigh* That's a whole other drama that involves having gotten into a terrible fight with my uncle Cecil. Cecil is the self-proclaimed (and self-righteous) head of the family. He is unrelenting in his decision to organize a Catholic funeral for Wilfred, mostly (I believe) because it would be scandalous on conservative PEI to do any different. I believe it's a final and irreparable insult to a man whom our family never understood, respected or loved (for who he actually was). Wilfred was discarded by his family and society and now that he's dead it's like my family is choosing to recuperate him with a little bit of white wash. Amazing how a life time of being the black sheep can be fixed with simple religious ceremony that Wilfred would have NEVER EVER WANTED FOR HIMSELF. *sigh* In the end, I am sick of fighting and have decided (for the sake of not upsetting my father who already has such a hard time due to his own illness) that i am going to keep my anger quiet. I have also decided to never speak with my uncle Cecil again. Honestly, if I can choose to make non-blood relations a part of my family emotionally, then I can do the opposite and cut off a blood relation who really is a violent presence in my life, no? Fuck, sometimes it gives me great comfort that I look more like my mother's family than my father's.
Basically, life has been mildly overwhelming. I am very lucky to have had some excellent support from some amazing people in my life. I know that i try to be a tough mommy most of the time, but I was so thankful that Johnny was there when I got the call about my uncle. When I tell you that I crumpled into that tiny person's lap, I say so with no understanding of how i could possibly fit, but with so much gratitude that i did. I have great anxiety around expressing negative emotions publicly and I worry that if I am not always happy or amusing or funny, that I will find myself abandoned. It's good to know that I do have folks who stick around through thick and thin, even if some don't.
All (extended)family drama aside, I am glad to be on the Island again. Earl Grey has been traded in for boiled orange pekoe and I've already played at least a dozen hands of gin with my father. We had a lovely family supper right after my arrival last night. It was nice to be sitting around the table with my folks, my sister and her bf Jamie. My mother was so proud of herself for having really tried to make a meal that took my vegetarianism into consideration... but she bungled it badly. She knew that I don't eat caesar salad so she made a second salad, but then put caesar dressing on it, not realizing that it's the dressing that has anchovies in it. Then she cooked baby carrots, but poured them into the same dish as the roast when she served them, essentially bathing them in animal fat ("Boo, can't you just pick them out?" "No mom, I'm sorry"). In the end, I basically ate bread and cheese. That's how it is on PEI for me. I always return to MTL with a seriously fucked up stomach and a protein deficiency.
BUT!
Oh my Lordy did my sister ever come through! She arrived this morning with the best possible Christmas present. Angie and Daddy went grocery shopping for me before I woke up! They bought 4 bags worth of vegetarian friendly food. Butternut squash, vege beef strips and chicken breasts, vegetarian spring rolls, bell peppers, avocados, cucumber... so many good things! They even bought vege chicken nuggets for me because, apparently, Dad said "she always used to like chicken mcnuggets when she was little." Holy fuck, I nearly misted up. |
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| how it ends. |
[Dec. 7th, 2009|02:22 pm] |
Tired. Tired. Tired.
I keep taking naps, but I wake up tired. Every time I close my eyes, it's just basically dreams about the same things.
This video blog is, again, plagued by the eventual un-synched audio. It's probably better to just treat it like an audio file and listen rather than watch. It's in 2 pieces because my computer had a malfunction at one point and shut the program down.
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| either way, i don't want to wake up from you |
[Dec. 3rd, 2009|06:26 pm] |
I have returned to Montreal. I flew on the red eye, rushed home in a very*expensive*taxi and barely had time to drop my suitcases off before running out the door in order to make it to my class at Dawson. Oh lordy. I don't know how my students can take me seriously when I show up wearing the clothes that I wore to DJ the night before...in Vancouver.
I let my students out early (thank God) and headed home in order to unpack, clean my room, complete some research work, shower and then take a nap. Logan stopped by at one point and crawled in to bed with me and told me some recent gossip that I'd missed while being away. That was nice.
In the evening Johnny and I played dress up with our common treasures that we'd acquired on our seperate travels. At one point my bed was COVERED in nasty costume jewelry from the 80s as we sorted through the trash looking for the gems. And there were some...let me tell you!
Afterward I made a very thrown together supper (due to extreme exhaustion and just generally being at my wits end) for ML and i. I was so relieved to see them after 12 days. Oy. I'm definitely feeling the sickness.
I must say, my last couple days in Vancouver were extremely difficult. The entire trip was incredible and wonderful and I love everyone so much and I had so much fun (too much?) but I also was on a ridiculous emotional/mental rollercoaster vis-a-vis how my life turned out, where I belong, what the fuck I am doing with my life, missing people that i want around me ALL THE TIME, loss of friends, sickness, death, tragedy, family, crossed wires, love, sex, adventure, politics, responsibility and just generally dealing with who i am and how i am. And the last 2 days? Well, a couple fucked up things happened that really kicked my ass.
And now? Now I am at home. Working. Dressing up. Wishing that I could slow down, but apparently I can't. Maybe in January. |
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| baby is sick |
[Dec. 1st, 2009|09:42 pm] |
I get on the red eye tonight and head back to MTL. At this point I'm just thinking about survival.
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| under my umbrella |
[Nov. 26th, 2009|03:53 pm] |
Okay. You have to understand... it was the Hidden Cameras show... we drank... we flirted... we were a little over excited.... I debated about whether or not to post this video, but my inner archivist won out (as she always does. That bitch always gets her way!).
WARNING: this edition of the V Files is 9-motherfucking-minutes long and I swear a blue streak almost the entire time.
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| wanna talk, wanna talk about, talk about body, body building |
[Nov. 25th, 2009|12:01 pm] |
Episode 3 of the V Files. It's 8am and I look fucken terrible. I don't know why I thought recording this before my bath or getting dressed was a good idea. But there you go. I've also lost my voice (again. I seem to lose it constantly).
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| help, i have done it again |
[Nov. 24th, 2009|05:29 am] |
I told Hugs that her barbie pink bathroom totally ruins her butch rep.
The next installment of the V Files, with special guest Liza.
I am really enjoying myself a little too much on this trip. |
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| you can do it, put your back into it |
[Nov. 23rd, 2009|12:37 am] |
For some reason, the sound recording using photobooth is all effed up. It took me forever to recover the sound on this file and when I did it slowly goes out of synch towards the end. Still, better than nothing.
Which is my intro to "The V Files" (i.e. me and Hugs being ridiculous, because that is the rock that our relationship is built on).
An extra bonus V Files, us testing out photobooth after the "no sound debacle", trying to figure out what was wrong.
p.s. whoever it was at FOD last night who left Hugs the note that said "you're adorable and your ass is sexy", please identify yourself to claim your prize. |
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| november rain |
[Nov. 19th, 2009|12:45 pm] |
txt msgs from graham from a while ago:
Graham: emmy hennings, c'est vous?
Boo: What?
Graham: it's all saints day. I'm matching people with lesser known saints.
Boo: Who is she?
Graham: in 1916 she co-founded cabaret voltaire, politics and art, after ten years performing in Berlin + Munich variety clubs + prison. she was both the star and creative engine of the cabaret but is systematically ignored by sexist art historians. she is also beautiful, like you.
***
Good to know that Graham is always around to make me feel better when I feel like shit.
He also likes to text me Guns'n'Roses lyrics every now and again. |
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| lover's revenge |
[Nov. 16th, 2009|03:37 pm] |
the only way to process effed up emotions: with morning champagne, cheese pizza and LLL/Johnny dancing around in their money boots, topless, wrapped in crinoline.
And if even that doesn't make you feel better? Well, that might be a sign of trouble. |
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| i want your love and i want your revenge |
[Nov. 16th, 2009|10:59 am] |
post week of 16 hour work days where i felt like i accomplished nothing
post night of DJing for almost 3 hours, split between 2 parties, ending at 4am
post attempts to produce new zine for expozine and failing
post tabling for 16 hours at expozine (aka most overwhelming event ever)
post 2 run-in encounters with an ex that i generally don't speak to, both of which actually went okay
post participating in a public reading series for the first time in years and finding it to be unpleasant and unnerving... realizing that I am not that person anymore
post beating J and A's asses until bruised viciously at against the wall.
post make out with massive amount of hair pulling
post everyone i see telling me that i look exhausted (thanks guys?)
post not sleeping in my own bed for 3 days straight
post long string of houseguests that lasted since a week before Halloween.
post running out of toilet paper... 5 days ago (there goes every box of kleenex in the house)
post banging my head horrendously on the cupboard door, walking in the boots that hurt my left foot and allowing myself to be bruised all over my chest
post wondering why my parents haven't called me in a week
post drama with friends who are breaking up, making up, "cheating", feeling trapped, getting "grounded", drinking away their problems, going broke, getting fired, hating their jobs, stressing out, breaking down, holding on, growing up, losing face, hiding out, acting out and generally just surviving.
post dancing like no one was watching
post hugs with friends i see all the time and hugs with those i haven't seen in forever.
post laughing so hard that my stomach hurt and i was snorting air in through my nose to keep from suffocating.
post all this?
I am realizing that it's monday and nothing has changed. I still have 16 hour days ahead of me and I still have no idea why I feel like everything is balanced on the edge of disaster when everything is simultaneously pretty great. |
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| the last girl standing up against the wall |
[Nov. 12th, 2009|09:10 am] |
This week is wearing me down and tearing me down. I am so tired and unable and just plain unsure of what the fuck it is that I am doing. I hate my job. I've been working on this research project for 2 years and it is getting to be very boring and very depressing. I need out. But any other job would pay less and have worse hours. Being a Capricorn, my professional life is exceedingly important to my self-concept and now that my professional life is painful, it feels like my whole life is painful (which is ridiculous because, honestly, the rest of my life is so fucking stellar right now, I don't even know how to contain all of it in words). I spent 2 days in bed this past week. Not because I was sick but because I couldn't find the will to get up. I had told myself that I couldn't make plans with friends, that I had to dedicate those days to work... but when it came time to get up and do the work, I just couldn't. Instead I would just lie there and stare at the wall. It was so stupid and so terrible. I haven't done something like that since the age of teenage angst! Gross.
And now? Now I am fighting against the clock. Desperately. I am working 16 hour days trying to get all of the following done:
1. Log enough hours at my research job to pay my monthly expenses
2. Prepare my zines for Expozine this weekend (and get a new one done? It's looking unlikely).
3. Prepare for the 2 DJ sets that I am playing this weekend (and by extension, the 4 more that I will be playing in the rest of November).
4. Prepare for the performance that Johnny and I will be doing at the Against the Wall sex party on Saturday night.
5. Grading my students' papers and preparing for next week's class.
6. Preparing for my trip to Vancouver, I am leaving next Saturday (finding places to stay, scheduling visits with friends, preparing my work, arranging for shit here to be covered).
7. Getting the line up of performers and DJs together for next Friday's Cabaret Faux Pas
8. Preparing for the Radical Queer Semaine Meeting that is apparently happening in my living room next Friday evening, before Faux Pas.
I basically wake up shaking and feel sort of panicked and sick all day, every day.
But, just to be fair, life is also fucken rad right now... All those things that I am preparing for (Cabaret Faux Pas, Radical Queer Semaine, trip to Vancouver, DJing a whole bunch, the sex party, performing, expozine) are incredible things in my life right now that have me completely stoked on being alive. I suppose I need to calm the fuck down and just focus on the radness and perhaps then the work will just happen without the shaking and the sickness. |
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| are these girls fucking & mating or are they best friends out skating? |
[Nov. 5th, 2009|04:25 pm] |
others may come and go, but vomiting into each others' mouths is forever.
p.s. i cannot begin to explain how epic the last week has been... well, maybe i'll try:
- Nicky Click & Nikki Slikk = high femme hurricane that has left remnants of makeup smeared on walls and bobby pins littered throughout the house.
- Slikk & Click performed so hard that all their clothes came off! Hott.
- Mock Opera Horror Show resulted in extreme bruises, a huge mess, at least 3 outfits of mine completely ripped to shreds and major spaghetti cunt.
- when my dj shift starts at 4am, i should expect that the next 3 days of my life be totally fucked.
- The number one lesson learned at the 2110 SGM: "Only queens should EVER chair meetings".
- Also on the topic of 2110 SGM: I can't figure out what there was more of in that room, hotties or hostility.
- best friends should only ever visit in an unannounced manner! It makes everything incredibly exciting. |
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