your heart is the size of your fist

i'm gonna fuck my friends.

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 20:52:39 GMT

I'll be performing at this event tomorrow with Johnny Forever. Hopefully we'll get our shit together to video tape it and post it. But you should come and see it in person anyway.

STONEWALL.40
Friday June 26 & Saturday June 27
Commemorating the 40th Anniversary of the Stonewall Riots.

HISTORY & DETAILS/SCHEDULE

Fin juin 1969, plusieurs centaines de gais, travestis et lesbiennes se sont révoltés contre la police de New-York, après une descente de trop dans le bar Stonewall Inn.

En 1970, les premières marches de fierté gaie ont eu lieu dans plusieurs pays pour commémorer l’anniversaire des émeutes de Stonewall.

En 40 ans de combat, nous avons réussi à faire évoluer les mentalités, tout en gagnant l’égalité juridique. Mais nos sexualités et nos identités sexuelles sont toujours menacées par l’hétérosexisme. La lutte n’est pas finie : criminalisation de la transmission du VIH, consentement sexuel porté de 14 à 16 ans (et 18 pour le sexe anal !), suppression des cours d’éducation à la sexualité, remise en cause du droit à l’avortement (loi C-484), psychiatrisation des trans, coupe des subventions d’organismes communautaires féministes et LGBT, etc.

L’histoire nous a appris que les crises économiques font toujours régresser les droits des minorités. Il nous faut donc agir !

Nous voulons ouvrir un espace pour discuter collectivement des implications politiques de nos sexualités.

VENDREDI 26 JUIN
au Parc Martineau (Panet/Martineau, au nord de Sainte-Catherine)

Au couché du soleil : Cineparc : projection sous les étoiles
“Les gais sortent de l’ombre (1969-1979)”
“Être lesbienne” 2008
“Quand l’amour est gai” 1995

SAMEDI 27 JUIN
au Parc Raymond Blain (sur Panet/Lafontaine, au nord de Sainte-Catherine) (en cas de pluie, se diriger directement au Comité Social du Centre-Sud)

12h : Accueil et présentation de la journée

13h@15h : Émergence des mouvements d’émancipation gaie, lesbienne et trans avec Marie-Marcelle Godbout, Diane Heffernan et Ross Higgins

15h30@17h30 : Nos révoltes actuelles !
De la situation politique actuelle à la criminalisation de la transmission du VIH... on se bat, on en jase !

5@9 festif au parc : Pique-nique, performances (Douche la Douche et Dee Dee Dragon), musique et kiosques communautaires

9h : Belles et Rebelles marchent sur le Village avec la Fanfare Anarchiste

22h00@11h00 : SHOW QUEER AU WOOF avec The Rimjobs et Pom Pom War. Attention ! C'est un spectacle court, si tu ne veux pas rater ta chance il faut arriver à temps !

On se dirige ensuite vers le comité social pour la suite de la soirée, c'est le moment de la danse...

11h00 à 3h00 : RIOT DRAG PARTY
DJ Xavier (faggity.),DJ Trannysaurus Rex etDJ JonnyBonnyRockToute
(Le bar ouvre à 11h00, contribution volontaire 5$, toute personne travestie aura droit à une boisson gratuite ... la classe !)

Pop, Six, Squish, Uh uh, Cicero, Lipschitz!

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 13:04:02 GMT

Last night, in bits and pieces (retold at 8:35am, on only 1 hour of sleep).

- Made enough fancy food to feed a small, homosexual army.
- The homosexual army ate the food (and drank the wine and smoked the shisha).
- P.S. the army consisted of: Coral, Luca, Troy, Johnny, Graham, Melanie, Daniel, Laurence, Carly and Brigitte.
- We listened to the Men demo cd at least twice out on the back porch.
- We got on our bikes and rode down through the midnight streets in a little bike gang, singing Michael Jackson songs.
- Karaoke at the intensely 70s style "club date" in the village.
- Seeing Cee! Such a lovely surprise!
- Heart breaking renditions of the following: Unchained Melody, Love Shack, Zombie, Don't Speak, Pony and others...
- The winner for most epic performance of the evening: Carly's crazy fucking version of "Cell Block Tango" (hungarian portion included). It was their audition for our Faux Pas rock opera (coming this october).
- They totally are gonna be in the rock opera.
- Cee too.
- Using flirting with a pretty lady as a distraction from my under-the-table-spiking-my-drink-from-my-flask action...
- but then it turned into the hottest real make out ever.
- Then the make out kept going.
- Troy got annoyed that someone had ripped the flap from his cigarette pack because he thought they'd rolled without inviting him.
- But then he discovered that i destroyed the pack in order to give the above mentioned pretty lady my number.
- Left the bar in a big gang intending to go to Cafe Cleo.
- But that didn't happen.
- Instead we decided to go pool poaching.
- But we had to stop at Touski (cafe that some friends work at) to get some beers after hours... that's the great part about having keys to the place.
- The cops were already at the pool when we got there.
- So we waited in the park and drank our touski beers.
- It started to rain when the cops left.
- Jumping a 10 foot fence when you've been drinking is hard.
- But skinny dipping in a giant public pool at 3:45am is worth it.
- Getting caught by the cops was worth it too.
- So was having to get out of the pool and get dressed in front of all 6 cops.
- And climbing back over the 10 foot fence in order to have to deal with them.
- But they let us go without any tickets because we told them that we were swimming to honor the memory of Michael Jackson. Somehow this was reasonable to them.
- I lost my keys in the park.
- But then Luca found them for me.
- Luca and Troy wanted us to go back to our place to drink more rum. It was 4am.
- I said that I had other important things to do.
- The sky was starting to lighten as we rode our bikes north, my soaked (and chlorine smelling) bra hanging from my purse straps.
- I found these weird, huge plastic eye glass frames with the lenses punched out in the folds of her blankets.
- I insisted on wearing the weird glasses for the rest of our evening.
- "You are so very lovely. Seriously. I am charmed."
- Rode home through Laurier park at 7am....wearing the still wet and chlorine smelling bra.
- had one of the best cold showers of my life.
- Johnny was just getting dressed for work when I got out. We sat on the couch and watched MJ videos on youtube together.
- Luca and Troy are sleeping somewhere in the house but i can't find them.
- Time to work.

cause you've got dreams he'll never take away.

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 14:07:15 GMT

COMMUNIQUE FROM YESTERDAY

My bike, Lee Sekine, came back to me today. After a 9 month long-distance relationship, she's back where she belongs: between my legs.

I'm spending today writing letters on my back porch. I'm all about making them really beautiful. For some reason, I need to make beautiful things today. That's the glue that's holding today together.

to poland.

BREAKING NEWS FROM TODAY

i actually slept through the night (which means i woke up at 6am, not 3am, which is a fucking triumph for me) and so i'm feeling surprisingly functional. It's another gorgeous day, perfect for Lee and I to have a beautiful reunion date.

I am having breakfast with Telyn today (very exciting!), then working, then cello lesson, then working, then going to Afro/Caribbean dance class, then hanging with Stasia and Kate, then going to the Bridge Burner party. Big fucking day. I guess I better get dressed already.

Enough fucking around.

it takes two

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 00:58:04 GMT

holy fuck

new video from the gossip... a whole new age of glam?

i'm gonna fuck my best

Sun, 21 Jun 2009 23:22:05 GMT

Found on Craigslist MTL, w4w section... made me sigh a little, thinking about how amazing people and all their lusts and feelings are.

west end boi + pretty in pink - 29 (The Pointe)
Date: 2009-06-08, 10:33PM EDT

you bought organic eggs at the local IGA. Your chest was bound, i'm pretty sure. You had old-school, young boi charm and said thank you to the nervous clerk like 8 times. The clerk broke one of your eggs. More thank yous. You were trying to speak French. Me, all the while, staring at you, trying to pretend pretty femme lezzies get noticed if they stare for the right amount of time. It probably gets creepy after a while - but I'm not sure when that is. I had pretty pink lips. You should look up next time, I might've winked at you.

Speaking of which, I had a most excellent time at the Meow Mix last night. JD Samson's band "Men" played and they were fan-freaking-tastic. Seriously. Johnny and I (and Kate once she finished her door shift) stood front row, in the center and just DANCED OUR ASSES OFF.

JD Samson performing with Men last night. This person is seriously inspiring.

It was the beginning to a long night of dancing our asses off. Plus, the placed was jammed to the nines with super sweet and hella attractive folks. I must say that I spent much of the evening eying people and making plans... oh plans, how lovely you are. If only I had the gumption to realize you! I drank my entire flask of rum. 5 onzes is a lot for a little gal like me.

I am realizing that I have started to snuggle into this community and meet people. I'm starting to meet and KNOW people. I can walk through the room and stop to talk to folks that I know...when trying to leave the party, I now have to expect at least a half hour of chats as I run into people on my way out. It seems like a small triumph, but it's a miraculous thing for me. Montreal is now feeling more and more like home, which is good and a long time coming (especially considering that I was born and raised here), but has still somehow managed to sneak up on me.

On the walk home at 3am, Johnny and I found a pile of at least 5 purses in the gutter on Drolet just below Villeneuve. There were wallets full of i.d. (including license, med card, passport, SIN card) but missing the money and lots of other things (flattening iron, house keys, tampons, make up, all sorts of stuff)... we realized that we'd found the remnants of some sort of theft or other crime. So we had to call the cops and wait wait wait until 4am for them to show up and make a report. Otherwise what were we to do? Oy. I got home and directly into bed around 4:30am or so. This resulted in me sleeping in until 2:20 and MISSING MY CELLO LESSON.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Oh well... it's not the end of the world, but I was really looking forward to working on the bach sonata. I'll just have to wait until wednesday.

but to end on a posi note, here's the video for my favorite song from last night's Men set. It took me a while to find the video online, but here ya go:

We are in love, we are at war

Fri, 19 Jun 2009 18:25:19 GMT

Soma FM is a great way to find new bands to love. Today I started a clip board list next to my computer. When I hear something I like, I make sure to write it down so I can look them up later.

NERD NERD NERD.

Faux Pas is tonight and I am so excited. I keep checking updated weather reports to make sure that it'll be all good for the show out on the rooftop patio. It's looking promising, but I am keeping my fingers crossed still the same.

Yesterday was delightful because:

1. Got my work done ON TIME! at a cafe that serves excellent chai. Plus, got to get my work done with Graham reading a book next to me and Stasia telling me funny stories and bugging me to go to the Reggae Fest with her... "c'mon! There will be dancehall music!".

2. Got a call from Stasia, panicked, from her neighbor across the alley. She'd gotten locked out of her place wearing only a short house coat and underpants. She was barefoot and very freaked out about the very real possibility of being stuck in the street, practically naked, until her neighbor came home after work. I rushed over to bring her some clothes, laughing the entire way.

3. Had a 1.5 hour cello lesson that went really well. My lessons lately just keep getting better as I learn more. Also, I am now learning a Bach sonata in C major that Daniel gave me. Our hope is to be able to play it as a duet eventually. So exciting.

4. Went to the Pervers/cite meeting @ Touski, which was actually really exciting (at least for me). It seems like it's going to be a really great event and I am excited about participating in some of the organizing. We're also talking about doing a special Pervers/Cite edition of Faux Pas, which has me all tingly. Oh, and I *might* have yet another performance booking for August. So. Fucking. Sweet.

5. Went up to Cagibi with Sarah Fuchs (who is delightful, even when fighting a bad cold) to hang out at the Rae Spoon show with just about every other queer in mile end. Ate and chit-chatted with folks, but actually had to scoot before the show started.

6. Melanie picked me up at Cagibi to take me down to St.Henri to pick up my new DJ equipment that I just bought off of Cody (who is delightful and it was nice to get a sweet little visit with them during the pick up)... did I mention that I bought a full DJ set up with turn tables, CDJs and a fucken kick-ass mixer? It feels hecka sweet to have access to all this stuff all the time now. An excellent investment in my opinion. The bonus of this is that I got to spend a few hours with Melanie, catching up on each others' news and such and generally just telling funny stories and letting it all just pour out. That's the great thing about Melanie, I can honestly just say ANYTHING and feel like she's going to listen and understand. Friends like that are complete gems that should be treated as such.

7. After getting home, it was nice to hang out with the roommates until 2am. There was some silliness involving Johnny and Daniel do a duet performance of Peaches' "The Inch" (Daniel on flute and Johnny singing) in our living room.

8. I fell asleep next to Graham while reading a zine that had me laughing out loud... I passed out with the night table light on and the zine on my chest. I remember Graham taking the zine away and putting his arm around me. At some point the light went out.

girls you know you better watch out, some guys are only about...

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 13:34:34 GMT

- Last night's Afro/Caribbean dance class was super intense and so much fun... although it definitely had moments of "oh my gawd, i thought i could dance at least a little but this only demonstrates to me what a foolish belief that was". I am definitely going again next week with Stasia.

- Garden update: my new beet and cucumber sprouts are just starting to break the surface. I had to re-start them since my originals died while I was away in P.E.I. (though Daniel was stellar about watering my outside garden, my window sill got forgotten). Also, my zucchinis are all flowering!

- today: research deadline, cello lesson, pervers/cite meeting, cafe cleo (with chacha?) and picking up (my new!) equipment with Mel. Big big day.

and i'd like to end with this, an ode to recent posts by Jessie:

cause you're only human

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 22:18:40 GMT

Today involves a number of excellent things:

1. I made a deal with Cody to buy their DJ equipment off them. So now I am the owner of 2 turntables, 2CDJs and a 4 channel mixer. Wow. (Although now I have to have a fundraiser to afford all this shit!)

2. As of today I now have 3 upcoming DJ engagements and 2 performance engagements as Douche La Douche. The shit is starting to come together!

3. My friend Micah (originally met him in California and went to Burning Man with him in 2001... yes I went to Burning Man) now lives in New York City and is coming up to Montreal at the last minute with some friends... so I guess we have 4 more houseguests this weekend!

4. I am going to an Afro/Caribbean dance class with my friend Stasia in about 45 minutes. I am nervous and excited!

5. Took a 3 hour nap in the middle of the day with Graham's arms around me. The sun was just the right brightness and there was an amazing breeze coming in the window. There's no better time spent than afternoon napping. At least not in my world.

6. Skin Flick (by Bruce La Bruce) arrives tomorrow in the mail!

tongue hanging out

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 22:09:16 GMT

p.s. bruises have been showing up on my body in random sexy places every morning when I wake up. There are 3 so far. I truly and honestly have no idea where they are coming from. If there's some sort of exciting bruise-inducing activities occurring every night, I would really much prefer to remember them!

throwing out a boomerang waiting for it to come back to me

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 21:52:37 GMT

Yesterday we had the oddest full sunshine thunder storm. It was one of the most delightful things i have ever experienced. But today it is a gorgeous day. I walked down to the bus depot, retrieved my bike (disassembled and boxed), then carried the large, heavy and awkward box to the Revolution Bike Shop (that was a very long half kilometer!). It might be ready by tomorrow, but definitely by Friday. Then I will be delightfully mobile! After 9 months of waiting, my day has finally come!

Our landlord is truly problematic (in the most epic sense). He tries his hardest to get out of any and all maintenance. Our sink is busted but he assures us that the sink was "built to last forever". Even after not having electricity for 2 days he didn't want to send anyone because we were "obviously overloading the circuits". Finally a repair person came to fix it and discovered that the problem was 100% due to bad installation not irresponsible usage. Now one of the outdoor light switches has melted down in a most alarming fashion. And then there's the problem with the restaurant below us and their unchangeably douchebag attitude. So you see that I don't really know what to do with this landlord. Today he came by our neighbors' to check out some repairs that need to be done on their back patio (which they have apparently been asking for for MONTHS) and he saw my garden. My beautiful garden. He then proceeds to ask if I am GROWING MARIJUANA.

wtf?

I proceed to tell him, no, I am growing tomatoes, carrots, zucchini, beans- and that's when he interrupts me to tell me that my garden is too heavy, will damage the roof and (basically) that I need to either get rid of it, move it or reduce it to 1/4 of the weight.

wtf?

I spoke to our neighbors after he left and they said that "he's just like that". That he complains about everything, dislikes everyone and avoids any sort of repairs by any means (including blaming EVERYTHING on the tenant). They said to just not worry about it. When I went inside to confer with Johnny about our landlord situation they just said "what is the point of being such a hateful bastard?"

I don't know Johnny. I don't know.

In other news:
- I bought sandals and they made me happy.
- I have been singing to myself a lot lately. It makes me feel really good. Less crazy. But also more crazy. Maybe it's just a crazy balancer. Either way, I am singing a lot.
- I had a truly wonderful date with Kate last night, particularly because it was so low key. I like that feeling of getting comfy with someone, getting snuggled into something.
- I went to the Stonewall.40 organizer meeting last night and found it to be a fantastic experience. It was unlike any activist/community organizer meeting I've ever been to before. It had a casual confidence and a sincerity that I loved. All 5 of the other organizers were charming. Also, it was a great chance to put my bilingualism to the test since the meeting was 90% in French.
- Graham has been the man about town for the past few days. I've tried to take the opportunity to get work done so that when he wanders back, I'll have time to spend with him, quality style.
- Business cards? Websites? Business plans? It's all in the works people.
- I have started work on a very intense mix tape.
- My typewriter keeps calling my name, asking me why I have forsaken it. I keep saying "It's summer typey! I gotta get out and about!" and typey looks at me pleadingly and says, "fair enough.... bitch".

oh lord take off thy crown

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 14:11:32 GMT

Johnny and I are working on our performance for the Stonewall.40 event. I am feeling pretty excited. I haven't collaborated on a performance with anyone since moving to Montreal. In Vancouver I had a loose crew of folks that I worked with on Cabaret style stuff (Leanne, Gina Gash/Rambles, Kyle, Wanli, Karl, Hugs, the BENT crew in general...) and then there was also the B:C:Clettes. Here I've been doing lots of solo Douche La Douche stuff and it's been going surprisingly well. When I got offered the Stonewall thing, I asked Johnny if they'd like in on it and was delighted at their enthusiasm. I really love and respect Johnny's performance work (and all their other art as well), so this seems like a good fit. This is a bit of a different gig though: in the park before the sun goes down... hmmm. I'll keep you all updated.

In other news:
- My bike arrived!
- Now I have to put it together.
- Our downstairs neighbor, a restaurant called Misto, had their staff pumping terrible dance music and partying in the closed shop at 4am last night. Got into it a little with them out on the street in my pajamas. Dealing with the landlord about it today. Shitty.
- Watched "American Psycho" and "The Machinist" yesterday. By the end of it, I felt like I didn't know what was real. Had to go to bed immediately.
- Research deadline on Thursday! Go!

came down from the north

Sun, 14 Jun 2009 22:55:01 GMT

I just discovered the IMP (International Mixtape Project) and it looks fucking AMAZING! I very much want to start doing this! It feeds into a number of my loves, namely: getting and sending post, making mixtapes/CDs and getting access to new music! Here's the downer: it is a members-only site that involves a fee. It's only $10 (u.s.) for 6 months, but it still makes me cranky. So here's my question: Has anyone ever heard of a similar project (a mixtape exchange network or some kind) that doesn't involve paying?

Run through the moss on high heels

Sun, 14 Jun 2009 22:18:06 GMT

Thanks to Jake, this is my new obsession:

Fever Ray, the new solo project of Karin Dreijer Andersson of The Knife.

Enjoy...profusely. I know I am.

climbed a mountain and turned around

Sat, 13 Jun 2009 18:09:55 GMT

Daniel, Boo and the hand of god... i mean Johnny.

Daniel has this look that he does which conveys a "WTF" notion that I love to impersonate. So this is the original and my interpretation. It's better in live action cause it involves some essential head shaking motions.

MY ROOFTOP GARDEN!

swiss chard and snow peas climbing up to heaven. then a box of wildflowers hiding in the back and 3 buckets of newly planted wildflowers.

carrots and tomatoes (companion planted) in the front bin and zucchini plus more snow peas in the back bin.

a close up of the first of my zucchini flowers! So f'ing exciting.

this is the garden that johnny is growing.

what we do all the time.

this is the story of johnny rotten

Sat, 13 Jun 2009 18:03:42 GMT

My summer is all about my rooftop. That's where summer exists for me.

We had the best time out here on Wednesday night...we spent the whole night getting ready to go to the Gay Beast/AIDS Wolf concert, but we never actually made it out of the apartment. Instead, we put on bathing suits and all got into the tub together in order to play scrabble (Graham, Johnny and I in the tub, Grant sitting outside due to space constrictions). By the end we threw away the score sheet and went renegade.

I had started writing a post that night, but by the time the wine really started to flow, it all got forgotten, but LJ saved it, in the wonderful way that it does. Therefore, here is what survived (preserved for archival purposes):

sitting on my rooftop porch as the sun goes down. Then we turn on the christmas lights. Drinking a big glass of wine and eating dark chocolate. Listening to old school Tina Turner. Laughing at the jokes Graham makes, but not as loud as he laughs at himself. My feet are blistered from walking but my heart feels better than it has in a long time.

I need to speak to you all about how great last night was....

Johnny is drawing the poster for the next Faux Pas Cabaret, which is happening next Friday. Wham Bam Thank You Ma'am. Fuck. Johnny is talented. Mania is talented. Daniel is talented. Matthew is talented. It feels so good to live with inspiration like this. It helps me remember something essential:

People are amazing.

So last night...I had an incredible time... my set was loosely prepared (and I was therefore extra nervous)

That's where the original writing ended... and here's my reconstruction of what would have followed had we not started to laugh so hysterically:

But being only mildly prepared often leads to a better time for me since everything is just as surprising to me as it is to the dance floor folks. The set ended up being really fantastic and involved lots of epic tunes and ass shaking. The resident DJ/Promoter, Johnnybonnyrock was such a DOLL, he had my glass of rum and coke constantly refilled and my spirits up thru the roof. He booked me that night for a Saturday night set at Saphir, a club on St.Laurent (which sorta has me feeling fancy and nervous). It was good to just feel happy and confident and energized by the music, to look out over the floor and see people moving to what I laid down, to look out and see Graham (GRAHAM IS IN TOWN, fuck that's so exciting!) dancing in a state of kitty-rolled-up-on-your-tummy happiness, to look out and see kate smiling back at me, mouthing reassurances that I was doing good.

But the best part of the night was the stolen moments on the dance floor. When I'd close my eyes and let myself just fall into whatever way that my body wanted to move. I'd open my eyes and see the way that the club lights would catch the brim of grant's hat or the hand of that really cute stranger girl (oh that girl!) thrown up casually in the air as she danced, creating this aura of "this is my beautiful space" around herself. Then she'd shimmy and swish and her shirt would creep up slightly, creating that beautiful line of belly skin between the bottom of her shirt and the top of her belt. I could watch that line of skin move like water in a glass. But then I'd just close my eyes again (cause I caught that somewhat cute but somewhat distressfully intoxicated fella staring at me again) and realize that i am perfect on my own. It takes dancing with your eyes closed to realize that sometimes. There's no need for "my other half" because, really, the only person I am going to spend my whole life with is me.

But eventually you've got to walk home and go to sleep.

And now i'm back on my rooftop. We kind of all are. On and off the roof, wandering thru this beautiful Saturday. We went to Kate's mix tape party last night (it involved making a tape and dressing as your tape's theme). We were making our tapes until 1am. Johnny made a bizarre, half installation type "euro trash" mix and I made a somewhat comical goth funeral mix. The best part of the party is that you leave your tape for someone else to take and you get someone else's mix to bring home. So we're listening to the mix tapes today... right now Bruce Springsteen is playing... "Baby everything dies and that's a fact..."

It's fair say that I am not always happy, in fact, life is generally pretty hard in the last little while, but it's also fair to say that my life is FULL of good things and I am just as happy as I am sad.

Next up: a silly amount of pictures.

what's love got to do with it?

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 00:54:57 GMT

My incredibly talented housemate Matthew Conley fucken making me cry... his performance at his master's recital was brutally incredible.

so.

fucking.

talented.

it.

hurts.

All about the benjamins

Tue, 09 Jun 2009 14:03:13 GMT

News Flashes:

- I am back in Montreal and that feels....
- Had a crazy lovely date with Kate the day I got back. We went to see a shadow puppet show and drank rum and coke on the stoop of a big church with Matthew and Daniel. It was definitely swoon-a-rific.
- I've been hip deep in room cleaning since 9am yesterday. Trying to completely overhaul and re-organize EVERYTHING. oy. The only way to make it not tortuous? Performing said task in my underpants and an apron. Sweet.
- Woke up this morning and felt sexy. Which is a very good sign.
- Mania has left for 2 months to visit friends in Ireland and friends/family in Poland. My heart breaks a little.
- Graham arrives tonight for a 20 day visit (which puts my Mania-broken-heart back together a little). My household is a buzz with anticipation of his arrival!
- This whole week is jammed with parties... summer? I think so.
- I am DJing a 2 hour set at Nag Nag Nag tonight! It's fundraiser for the Radiq (Radical Queer Semaine)'s Stonewall 40 event.

i only want what i deserve

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 02:51:37 GMT

I had the most incredible conversation with my Auntie Jeannie tonight. Secrets poured out and it occurred to me that life is way more complex than my minor concerns. We watched the sun set over the farm fields, drank home-made wine and cried about triumphs and tragedies. Fuck, everything here is both so fucking intense and earnest (if someone can be earnest and have a sense of humour...or is that antithetical?) at the same time. How do people stand it all the time? It's amazing that my (extended) "family" story is full of lies, love, adultery, adoption, alcoholism, religion, war, murder, poverty, wealth, sickness, miracles, God, secrets kept, loss, land, immigration, estrangement, reunions and survival. And what's left behind? Stories and old furniture kept under blankets in the basement.

Fucken overwhelming.

Can your pussy do the dog?

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 23:58:11 GMT

Things are going well here in Charlottetown. There are lots of boxes to move, walls to paint, errands to run and lots of cleaning to do. My parents' new house is really lovely. It's very similar in layout to our last home but it is smaller, which is perfect for a place meant for just 2 people instead of 4.

The days here have been pretty beautiful with lots of sunshine, home cooked meals and white wine. Staying with my sister is pretty wonderful, even though everyone is so busy either taking care of the horses, going to work or working on the new house. This definitely isn't a vacation. But there are some stolen moments, usually in the evenings. We had a (surprisingly) lovely family bbq at my uncle Cecil and Aunt Elaine's house on the river on Sunday. Afterward we all sat on the back porch around the fire and told funny stories.

This is what always moves me so deeply about visiting Prince Edward Island: how people come together. In other places, people will come together easily over good things... for celebrations and other "good time" events. But when there is need? When times are hard? When the work seems overwhelming? That's when people tend to find themselves alone... but here? Here people keep showing up to help with the work! It reminds me of all the wonderful folks in Vancouver who helped me when I moved out of my apartment. Being here makes me remember how much I love people. I have to hold on to that feeling when times get hard, cause that's when i sometimes forget.

But the world is both what it is, and its opposite, simultaneously, isn't it? Just today I received 2 emails, both from people from whom I have been estranged. One only drove the wedge between us deeper, affirming my decision to let this person go. The other email was from someone who's loss I had come to terms with, but this email... it was like spring after a really long winter. Reading it made all that hurt just drop away. I guess people amaze me all the time, both in their potential to hurt and their potential to heal.

we are here to ruin ourselves

Sat, 30 May 2009 13:35:40 GMT

Moonstruck is one of my favorite movies of all time. Every moment in it is perfect. Especially this speech by Ronny Cammareri (Nicholas Cage), every time I hear it I realize that this is exactly how I feel about love:

"Loretta, I love you. Not, not like they told you love is and I didn't know this either. But love don't make things nice, it ruins everything! It breaks your heart, it makes things a mess. We aren't here to make things perfect. Snowflakes are perfect, stars are perfect. Not us! Not US! We are here to ruin ourselves and...and to break our hearts and love the wrong people and...and DIE...I mean, I mean the storybooks are bullshit. Now I want you to come upstairs with me and...and GET in my bed. Come on, come on, come on."

i am only for me

Fri, 29 May 2009 12:51:58 GMT

I am sitting in the living room of my sister's tiny house (and when i say tiny, i mean teensy weeny. The WHOLE HOUSE is only about 700 square feet) in Prince Edward Island. Phase 1 of moving my parents from our family home of 17 years in Quebec to their new home in Prince Edward Island (1200 km / 740 miles away) is complete. Finishing the packing and getting everything out of the house and packed onto the horse trucks was tortuous and emotional, but not as bad as I had imagined it would be when I first knew that this task was laid out before us. The last few days in the house, with no furniture at all, was surreal. When we'd talk, our voices would echo. I spent a lot of time in the house, alone, staring out various windows, thinking about how I had every view memorized. That house saw me through most of my life and so many of my best and worst memories are tied up in it. It was sad to leave, but also liberating. I don't want to be the kind of person who is trapped by the past and weighed down by things.

Johnny and Mania came to P.E.I. with my sister and I yesterday and are spending the day in Charlottetown with me before moving on to Halifax in order to check out a zine archive that is there. The drive came after a ridiculously long (unhealthily long) day of work for me. I had 3 research deliveries and final errands to run. Sleep was the expendable element in the equation. By the time I climbed into the car at 6:45am yesterday, I had been awake for 24 hours. Needless to say, I slept most of the way.

In other news:
- Cabaret Faux Pas was pretty incredible, but not for the usual reasons. In fact, it requires its own post to explain. But I've never been to another performance event like it.
- Spent some really good time with Kate in the last few weeks...some on the dance floor, some on the back porch, some over the most elaborate and fantastic homemade meals. I am finding her to be an extremely easy-to-talk-to person, very understanding and comforting. Very supportive. I am not so used to that and I am finding it to be delightfully disorienting. Also, it's fun to be dating someone with whom I have so much in common, but just enough dissonant viewpoints to keep our conversations interesting and moving forward. Our conversations, by the way, are amazingly all over the place.... from music nerding to feminist/queer/anarchist politics to plain old gossip.
- My old roommate David came to town this past weekend to spend some time, come to Up Yours and Faux Pas and generally just hang out. I love him so immensely and intensely. Whenever I see him, it's like being with the brother I never had. Fuck I love him. Knowing him is a gift. We are able to talk so openly and deeply about this and his viewpoint is one that understands, but he comes at things from such a different perspective that it really helps me get outside of myself.
- I performed a new burlesque number at the inaugural Up Yours, a queer dance party. The crowd was excellent and my performance was "The grand finale" as one organizer put it. So I really gave them a spectacle. I was a sexy but boring secretary in this number, which started off with me sitting at a desk, totally bored, typing typing typing. I was typing out a rhythm. Do, do, dodododododo. Do, do, dodododododo. And then the music comes on and synchs up exactly with my typing (see youtube video below for the song, by Portishead). Eventually the boredom gets to me and I begin to rip apart my desk and then, with a devilish look on my face, I begin to peel off the conservative and boring clothes that I am wearing. Starting with my wig, under which my hair is totally fucked. Eventually I reveal an outlandishly sexy and glamourous outfit underneath consisting of gold ass shorts, a gold bra, a bike tube corset and knee-length lace stockings. Once the bra and corset come off, something hits me... I begin to look like I'm going to be sick on stage. I stumble forward, holding my stomach. Then, boom! an explosion into the air as I throw-up gold sequins. At that point the sparkles begin to flow and it's just sparkles being tossed everywhere and I am dancing, naked except for my gold ass shorts, all around in them. People loved it. The stage was coated in gold sparkles afterward, as was I. I was scrubbing sparkles out of my nether parts for the better part of an hour when I got home.
- The dancing after the performance deserves its own bullet point because the set that Cody (DJ Faggotron) laid down was so fucking good, and the company on the dance floor was so fucking good, and being in ass shorts without shame in public was so good... I had a great time. Especially once Kate took off her pants and shirt and she and I were dancing close.... super hott!
- I've had a few really good and important dates with the sociopath lately. Not because of what we did on these dates, but because of how I have felt. I've found myself getting quite attached to him, which is both disconcerting and a relief. I am far from love and far from the ability to love (my heart and my trust is so fucked up right now) but it feels nice to relax a little into something. To not be on guard every minute that I am with someone. It's helped me to realize that, even though I am still broken, I have come a long way and I am healing nicely. I guess the healing is really helped when you have the privilege of being around good friends/family who show you unconditional love and support and then fall, ass over tea kettle, into 2 really good, romantic relationships with people who treat you really well. How sweet is that? Pretty sweet i'd say.
- Last but not least: The plane tickets have been purchased: Graham is coming to stay with me for almost a month!!!!!

it's a cruel cruel world, to face on your own

Thu, 21 May 2009 20:29:18 GMT

I am in the process of clearing out the last few boxes (well... not a few, maybe a half dozen) of mine left in storage at my parents' house. The move is next week (which is a whole other post I am not prepared to make at this moment) and the pressure is on to JUST GET IT DONE. I am basically digging through all these relics from my childhood, teen years and undergrad. Photos, concert tickets, diplomas, letters, birthday cards, maps from road trips, essays and old photocopied readings... it's really fucken overwhelming. The absolute most frustrating/embarrassing/confusing/POSITIVELY TORTUOUS part of all this? The hundreds and hundreds of pages of bad, scribbled poetry that I keep finding EVERYWHERE. Pages stuffed in books, things written on the back of flyers, folders full of half finished zines filled with it, spiral notebooks that are crammed with lines and lines of really over-the-top navel gazing. What the fuck? I mean, I remember being an angst filled menace who wrote poetry all the time, but I had no idea how prolific I was! And the things I wrote.... sometimes I hardly recognize the person I find in these boxes. I was so sad all the time. Sad, angry or horny. Basically that's the emotions I keep reading and I can't stop laughing at myself while simultaneously shaking my head in disbelief and embarrassment.

Oy.

she's like the wind

Tue, 19 May 2009 20:36:49 GMT

Today Mania "found" a thrown-out copy of the Dirty Dancing soundtrack on vinyl.

Needless to say, a dance party ensued.

make my panties go ping

Tue, 19 May 2009 14:42:51 GMT

i feel really fucken good today. I have a HUGE DOUBLE research deadline today and I am fucking motoring along like it's going out of style. The sun is pouring in my window, my cucumber and beet sprouts are loving it, my room feels like a little piece of heaven. I got two pieces of personal mail today, both of which brought big smiles to my face.

What a difference a day makes. Realizing something that corny (yet true) is helping me a lot. I don't necessarily feel free right now, but I feel like I am in a state of becoming free. Maybe that's why I am so awkward and all over the place lately... a state of becoming is sort of like puberty and I can't remember a more awkward time in my life than puberty.

are the fatherfuckers ready for the motherfuckers, are the motherfuckers ready for the fatherfuckers

Tue, 19 May 2009 11:06:49 GMT

the boys wanna be her. the girls wanna be her. i wanna be her. yes i do.

The peaches show last night gave me back something that i thought i'd lost. holy fuck.